Anonymous Self care and ideas to help you live a healthier, happier life. The priest taken aback replies , Well son this is a rather noble act that the lord would be proud of , why are you here at confession? PRIEST: Wow I gotta hear this. Where is their favorite place to have sex? Adam weighs this for a moment, and then says, "How much can I get for a rib? "That's a grievous sin," the priest says. The first guy said he was driving to work and he suddenly got the feeling that his wife was cheating on him. Whats the most disgusting thing youve ever done? WebFunny Confessions From Reddit You Wont Believe Ink Drop/Shutterstock 1. The farmer gasps, then thinks "50 years of marriageonly twice..that's not too awful. Because of sex. Web4. He hears a priest come in. Enjoy this list of puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. This is why I can never work with kids. u/insert_title_here, EDIT: The movie was Pacific Rim, I liked it. The second man says:"I was married for five years, and I slept with a different woman as a lover each year. Reject euphemisms and use the real words: adultery, stealing, bulimia, child abuse, whatever. I confess, to have a being of such beauty and grace, you must give me an arm and a leg. Confession #847. Whats the grossest thing thats come out of your body? When not on his computer he enjoys traveling, eating pizza, and watching 80s action films. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. ", "I used to pee on the carpet in our living room and blame it on the dog. She said, I thought I recognized you from somewhere. My younger brother steps from the line into the confessional, one person in front of me. Smile, have a good time, and use these questions as starting points to ignite new topics of discussion. So then, why are you telling me? Sarah Regan is a Spirituality & Relationships Editor, and a registered yoga instructor. Did they have a good relationship with their family as a kid? , EDIT 2: Aaaaaaand now this is my top-rated comment, and my username is easily recognizable to anyone Ive ever played D&D with. u/[deleted]. Some jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. "There's no need to" his wife replied. The husband says to her, well we were married almost 50 years, 3 eggs is not a lot, but honey what about the 50k?. 'I'll never tell.' should I just lie and say I workout from now on Idk what to do. u/dinglenoggin, How much would I need to save up? "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?" Before the race starts, he brunette turns to the blonde and says "I'll bet you fifty dollars the black horse wins." To this day, I still do not have any clue what happened. Do you use your Everyone I know says I need more sunlight or friends I just moved out, I dont think they understand how I try to do the things they ask but whenever I talk to them about myself they think Im complaining or guilting them, I just want help. I'm really sorry about that. ME: I committed all seven deadly sins in 30 minutes. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either! Then at Annabeth, as if to check that hed heard correctly. ", A flood occurs in a small town. They dont stop anything they just make me unable to feel. Then the priest comes in. But I hate those pills almost as much as I hate myself. In the booth the first boy admits having s** with a girl but refuses to name her. "Sit down at least once a week, where you have each other's undivided attention, with eye contact, and you aren't distracted." He enters the confession, sits down and says "Forgive me Father for I have sinned, and I want to confess". I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. "Dear," the mother said, "he doesn't seem very nice." I got my little brother drunk. See more ideas about funny, bones funny, funny quotes. Wife tells him darling before i die i have a confession to make, please open up the box that is under the bed. 1. If you have a fast internet Never Father I'm Jewish. Father: Well, as a good catholic I can't condone this behaviour. "Forgive me, father", he cried. But could I ask you another question?" The man replied , Well in that case should I tell them that the war is over ? ", So a man walks into confession and says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned". By the way is this your first confession?" Twice." Whats the most surprising thing thats ever turned you on? "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?". "Will this absolve me of my sin?" So I was telling my friend about my prowess with a bow and arrow yesterday. I felt something on my left and right and noticed two female friends from yesterday asleep and fully clothed on either side of me. His wife sat at the bedside. Confesses the daughter. Says the son from his room. Source. The man asks what's the deal with the 3 eggs?. Finally, don't forget to give your own answers to these funny get to know you questions, too! The man replies, "But how can I? COPYRIGHT 2023 Next Luxury ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. His response: "I was just sitting in a refrigerator, minding my own business", "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Discover Pinterests 10 best ideas and inspiration for. What would you change, if anything, about our experience growing up? Instead of answering, he simply takes his brides hand and puts it on the stump of his leg. I had s** with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father." What do you admire most about Mom and/or Dad? My wife died a year ago. The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" I am nicer to my husband and he is nicer to me. ", "My sister and I used to pretend that the round tortilla chips were the eucharist. I just fight my own thought everyday and wear myself out. What's a more worthy investment to them: experiences or objects? I still feel so bad about it to this day. The tied up and helpless. or worse?. God labors for a week as only a being of such incredible omnipotence can labor, and after much exhausting work, he returns to Adam after a week has passed and reveals to him his creation. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again." My 60 year old colleague audibly farts when I am talking to her. The feeling of not being able to move or fight against what is being done to me really turns me on. Here are 17 anonymous submissions from parents who gladly wrote down " The Most F-Ed Up Thing My Kid Has Done" while attending our Parentally Incorrect comedy show, The Pump and Dump. You peer inside yourself, You take the things you like, And try to love the things you tookyou walk arm in arm, you hope it wont get hard, even if it does, youll just do it all again. "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?" Funny Icebreaker Questions for Large Groups 1. "Was it Kathleen McGonigle?" In a moment of pure, dramatic 8-year-old angst, I threw the bag on the patio bricks and cried as the bag exploded and my pet died. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. After much gaping, he finally finds the words to say "God, she is beautiful, she is truly your most perfect creation. ", Jake was dying. St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a bicycle. I have something special to offer the world. ", A nun went to her Mother Superior and asked her to hear a confession. The longer you're dating, the more you'll learn about each otherbut let's be honest. Many of the my confession cross puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. should I just lie and say I workout from now on Idk what to do. , 14 Oldest Living Celebrities That Are Still Alive, 15 of the Most Disturbing Books Ever Written, 20 Funny Town Names You Wont Believe Are Real, 22 Strange, Wacky, and Funny ChatGPT Conversations, 20 Funny Commercials That Will Get You Laughing, Funny Confessions From Reddit You Wont Believe. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin. The Priest says "Well my child, what are your sins?". Jack goes to his friend Mike and says "Four months vacation and five good leads", and he kept putting it off. ', "I used to put rocks in my mouth. "I'm telling everyone!". --- "That is not proper, but your life was at risk, so you are forgiven." to live in a cheap house in like Los Angeles or Miami and have an just have an expensive jdm car (20k) And just work at job whatever and just drive to car meets and race every night that is my dream. u/Intelligent-Wind-957, See more about - Funny Confessions From Reddit You Wont Believe. I wouldn't swallow them thank goodness, I just liked the way they felt in my mouth. The Priest replied, I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause. There's a lull in the conversation, and nobody knows quite what to say. Similar to the previous article, all of these confessions come from Reddits r/confessions thread. Top Funny Confessions I ate dog food just to see what it tasted like. Father O'Malley, he says, my name is Emil Cohen. *I can no longer continue our relationship. "No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent." have two gorgeous brothers. "Yes I've never been to confession before. TL;DR: I may have figuratively pissed away my college education by literally pissing in public. u/Atwotonhooker, I am male and I really like Uggs. u/[deleted], Years ago, my brother took the SAT for me. u/qs0, Im terrified of stickers and patterned tape. A Jewish guy goes into a confession box. That still freaks me out. God replies,"What are you talking about? "No, I must die in peace. This one has index cards on it too. I have been with a loose girl'. 23. As long as the boss doesnt find out. The priest says, "You're not the first doctor to sleep with a patient and you won't be last." "* Priest: "Because my hand is getting tired. *I can't quite remember what you look like. Hopefully, I'll at least be able to submit some of my stuff that's actually recent, soon. Got better after that, scored 2 with the next, then 3, then 5. I didn't have many friends, but I sure was interesting. In 1987, I was in London about to go in a techno club with some friends. Upon telling him the news, the chairman said: "But that's impossible! *Elizabeth,* Touch device users, explore by touch or with swipe gestures. I went up behind her and spread her legs and started ramming her from behind uncontrollably. You're on my side. Me: "It's been". RawConfessions user (Login required), Your Message (please type your comment here). ", "I wore skirts that I made out of duct tape and candy wrappers. On my 12th and final arrow I managed to score 144." Find out what other deviants think - about anything at all. The blonde says "OK, you're on!" We hold major institutions accountable and expose wrongdoing. Source. The German and French spies ask how he lasted so long without talking and he says "I wanted to talk, but I couldn't move my hands. Well, I didnt do any of the stuff they asked me to do, and instead on Cinco de Mayo I got plastered drunk again and pissed in the exact same spot as the first time. The third priest confesses that he spends the church takings on drugs. "Well, that is not a sin?" Now you go and behave yourself." 38. As a general rule, the internet is a terrible place to solicit legal advice. 'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.' While confessing anonymously to randoms on the internet is hardly taking responsibility for one's actions, the Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the pastor Whats the most awkward experience youve had with a crush? Thats why Im pouring a 5 pound bag of sugar in his gas tank rn LMAO. The boy replies 'No, Father. He confesses after one hour. I have a problem with drinking. she exclaims, "This is a surprise! Can we get this video to 5K LIKES?! 5. ", "Forgive me father for I have sinned." As they exit the confessional, the priest looks at the doctor and says, "I hate to ask, but seeing as you're a doctor, do you think that you could take a look at my t**, it's been sore for days." ", "I used to cut up my stuffed animals and hide them in a bag in my closet. The man anguished and betrayed, went into his room, grabbed his gun and without a word, shot his wife. 6 years ago Simply grab a piece of paper each (or open up your Notes app), write down your answers, and when you're done, share your answers with each other. Tip #4: Remember, this isn't an interview. Some sins that would make it hard for me to tell without laughing. Once more, the man says, "No thank you, I am waiting for God to help me," and the ship leaves. I'm Jewish." Are they more passive or confrontational? A couple of seconds later, another text arrived. Now you go and behave yourself.' 6. "Was it Nina Capelli?" Last competition. She was quick to point out that this was impossible, so I had to confess it was a fibbin' archery sequence. The distance between us is too great and too long. ", "When I was like 6 or 7 I was too afraid to go to the bathroom at night so I snuck into the living room and peed in a can. decide to go to the movies together. "Well, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. I'm not really active anymore, but I'm kinda gonna try to be. 'Was it Nina Capelli?' I have high self esteem. Whenever I had a dozen eggs I would sell them. I'm a h**. " Please take your picture from the pile and return the rest. 3. The one thing I do know is that I am depressed. I'm really sorry. I spend every day nearly every minute thinking hateful things about myself, looking for some easy way to kill myself. It read as follows: How often do we really pause and ask our partners those deep, important questions? "That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you Another woman, a revert, said: The first confession I made after being away for six years, the priest kindly and patiently listened to me sob out my sins. Obsessed with travel? "Just keep your head down and your left arm straight! A man goes to Confession to talk to his priest. Please please please take a look at it and maybe share it with other Etsy friends! I respect myself deeply. "Honey," the mother said, "he doesn't seem very nice." It's always unexpected. Create and send your own custom Confession ecard. "How could you cheat on me like that with an older woman!?!?!?". One night I got really drunk and pissed right outside of the local bar. Said the priest "No, I know that," said the man, "but I made him pay rent." But you've sinned and have to atone. Now stand and confess your transgression." the man replied. This is not right son , we should help others without asking anything in return , this is the true Christian way the priest replied. I must confess that I have cheated on you twice, and this situation is not fair for either of us. The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a fatherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "You should hurry home now. local policies and laws. ", "Janet Jackson was not only my invisible friend, but I'd force my parents to ensure she had a seat at our table for every meal. Man: No they don't like it in Walmart either. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. I pretend I don't notice it out of respect, but it's becoming tough not to laugh. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets. 'My lips are sealed.' Be patient, my son, I shall return to you in a week's time." Then back at Nico. Finally, on their wedding night, in bed with the lights out, he screws up his courage. 'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.' ", A german, French, and Italian spy get captured. "You can't do that. Reporting on what you care about. I judge people based on spelling, grammar, punctuation, and sentence structure. You're welcome, 18 Of The Most Shocking & Hilarious Confessions Of Laziness. "No," said the Mother Superior. The priest asks, 'It wasn't Mary Jones, was it?' The other day I was talking with my neighbors and they mentioned hearing weird noises like what I wrote about and I was just internally screaming the entire conversation. I was by her bedside. the man replied. *"So then, why are you telling me? The guy, still half-asleep says, "oh that's okay babe, I've never really been one to care." ", "I 'breastfed' my fucking TEDDY BEAR. Everything is alright." Poor Micky didnt deserve it." that's my booth! The third guy is asked the same question. What's their biggest fear for the future? WebI remember once at a heavy metal festival, this woman, about 21, in the tent beside me was wearing a a very tight pair of leather (or maybe P.V.C) trousers.